Here’s what I know about castles: they’re old, they’re made out of stone, they have towers and dungeons, and they’re completely awesome.

I got my first castle when I was 7. It was probably the greatest present I ever got (thanks, Dad!). It had three towers, a drawbridge (that actually worked) and a bunch of knights and horses. And the best part…?

I got to build it myself.

But when I sat down to write this post about castles, I realized that I didn’t know a lot about how real castles actually worked. And so I did some research. Which involved reading a bunch of stuff on the internet. Actually, Robbi did all of the research for me while I took a nap. And now I get to do the fun stuff, which is sharing it with you. HINT: When you are in high school and have to write research papers, see if Robbi will do the research for you while you take a nap. 

But what are castles FOR? In addition to looking awesome, their primary role is to keep the people inside safe and to keep the people who want to get inside the castle OUT.

Apparently, the best place to build your castle is on top of a hill.

That way, the people who are trying to get into your castle will already be tired by the time they get there (especially if they are wearing a bunch of heavy armor) (which castle-storming folks are typically inclined to do). This is Hohenzollern Castle in Germany.

Another great idea when building a castle is to give it a moat—which is a bunch of water that surrounds the castle—making it difficult to push ladders or battering rams or excitable horses right up against the walls. Some moats are like little rivers all around the base of the castle.

And some castles take the moat idea to the extreme, basically getting an entire ocean involved:

Yes, Mont St. Michel castle in France has the best moat ever. Nowadays there’s a road that you can drive on to get there, but back in the old days, the only way to get there was by walking across at low tide. At high tide, it was totally surrounded by water.

As for the castle door, it’s often protected by a portcullis, which is an awesome-looking gate which could be raised and lowered with a huge crank.

This is not to be mistaken for Robbi, who is another kind of “huge crank” if I wake her up too early in the morning. I’m talking about a big wheel that’s attached to a chain that’s attached to the portcullis and makes it go up and down.

It’s true that most castles are made out of stone.

For obvious reasons. Castles made out of marshmallows wouldn’t cause enemies much difficulty (though it could give them a stomach ache potentially, should they decide to EAT their way in).

Because they are made of stone, castles are cold and drafty in winter and hot and stuffy in summer. Because they were originally built for protection, they weren’t very comfortable (it was only later when they weren’t as necessary for protection that they became fancy with grand ballrooms and chandeliers and whatnot).

Because people sometimes had to stay in the castle for a long time (while other people tried their hardest to get in), there had to be stocks of food, animals, and most importantly water, which might be stored underground and lifted up to sinks and bathtubs with an awesome-looking machine (with a slightly smaller, but still very important crank) (also not Robbi).

Protecting the water supply was the most important. Many castles were defeated because the enemies somehow got access to and poisoned the water supply, which is not very nice, for the record. But people are not always nice. Something to keep in mind when deciding where to put your water supply.

Sometimes there are multiples walls to get through. Here is Beaumaris Castle in Wales, for example.

I bet it was very discouraging to get through that FIRST wall only to discover a SECOND wall. If I were an invader, I would probably just give up at that point, even if the inner wall were made out of marshmallows.

As you can see in the picture above, castles have lots of towers so that you can look out for enemies coming from any direction.

Originally, towers were square, but eventually, castle builders started making them round because when there were square, the enemies found out that if you dig out from under one corner, it would eventually tip over. Round towers are much more stable.

Here’s something interesting: In all those round towers, the stairwells run clockwise, and this is quite deliberate. (Here’s a spiral staircase from Blarney Castle in Ireland).

Since most post people are right-handed, when the invaders were going up the stairs, this arrangement made it difficult to swing their swords (which were in their right hands) and very easy to tip over because there was nothing to hold onto to keep them from tumbling down the stairs. BUT, the defenders of the castle who were coming DOWN the stairs could lean back against the wall while swinging their swords ahead of them with confidence. Basically, this was a huge advantage to the people who were defending the castle. Kind of like home-court advantage in a basketball game.

Also, castles have lots of hallways and tunnels and secret passages to give you different ways to escape.

Because if someone does manage to climb up your hill and get over your moat and through your portcullis and through your inner marshmallow walls, it’s unlikely that they are just coming to share chocolate chip cookies.

Another thing about castles: in spite of what you might think from watching Disney movies, the old ones did not have luxurious accommodations. They were basically just a place to hang out until whoever was trying to get in got tired and went away. As such, the bathrooms were kind of…rustic. As in, no toilet seat. And no flushing. Just a hole that you sat on.

But at least there was a nice window.

I’m guessing that most of you are familiar with THIS castle, built for a princess named Cinderella a long, long time ago.

Ok, this castle was actually built by the Disney Corporation, but still, it’s quite something. It gets a prize for taking the whole tower idea to all new levels. I’m guessing that there’s not a lot of fighting in the stairwells.

Here’s the actual castle that inspired Cinderella’s: Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany (those Germans sure built nice castles).

Technically, Cinderella’s Castle and Neuschwanstein Castle are both palaces and not castles. Castles were built for defense and daily life (vs. forts, which are just for defense), and palaces are more for living and entertainment, not defense. Which is why castles were crowded and stuffy and uncomfortable and palaces are fancy and such.

We don’t have castles in America, because our country is too new. For the most part, castles are from a time in history before America was formed, when people had to protect their stuff from the next marauding horde. Now we have a three-part government structure of checks and balances to settle our our internal difficulties. That, however, is a theme for another week.

But we do have one notable castle (which is actually a forgettable string of MANY castles).

If you’ve never been to White Castle, you’re probably better for it. But this uniquely American establishment is known for serving little tiny (and awful-tasting) cheeseburgers.

There are no towers, there is no moat, and as far as I know, no portcullis.

And I’m not sure why anyone would want to invade the White Castle. Perhaps to use the restroom? I’m guessing that the toilets there do have seats. Though I can’t swear to it.

Thanks so much for stopping by to learn about castles with us.

We’ll leave you with this parting question:

If you could build a castle, where would you put it, and who would you be trying to keep out? Or who would you be trying to keep safe inside?

Post your answers in the comments below! And stop by later this week to read my story and see Robbi’s drawing and take the KidQuiz!