At Friendship Montessori School, it is apparently de rigeur to supply classmates with some sort of birthday treat on your child’s birthday. I was told, on the side, that cupcakes are what all the kids want, even though parents and teachers generally prefer something less sugar bomby like carrot sticks, broccoli, bran flakes, or codeine. (Just kidding! Nobody told me to give them codeine!) So, last week for Kato’s birthday I decided to bake cupcakes. I had a box of chocolate cake mix already, and was getting ready to whip out some cupcakes on Wednesday evening when I turned the box over and saw this:

Now come on. That is completely coercive, on top of being totally false advertising! That kid doesn’t have a drip of chocolate on her! That mom is smiling! No one is crying and there isn’t a hint of smoke in the air! That’s probably not even chocolate cake in the mixing bowl.

I scowled. Well, at the very least, they did include the note “Do Note Eat Raw Cake Batter,” which shows that they have some awareness of reality. And my poor pathetic and hopeful heart kept saying, “But look how happy they are! You can have that too!” And so I crumbled. I told the kids that they could help.

Alden was excited. Kato chose to reserve judgement.

Matthew had set out all the ingredients on the counter for the photo shoot. From the start, I should have known that things would not go as they had in the idyllic world on the back of the cake box. I had to take about 30 photos to get a single good one. In the course of the shoot, Kato got bored.

He picked up an egg, and said, “I know what to do with that.”

And then he licked it.

Oy.

So, after a bit of a rough start, things got underway. Kato started things off with dumping the cake mix into the mixing bowl.

Then came the oil.

While Kato took care of that, Alden fetched the water.

Then came the fun: eggs. I thought Alden, being older and more experienced, would want to crack the eggs. She demurred, with a hint of fear in her voice. Apparently last time she cracked some eggs the shell poked her finger, and she didn’t think she wanted to suffer for the sake of family baking harmony time. Kato immediately took the reins, carefully showing Alden first how to crack the egg on the edge of the bowl:

And then how to break it open.

“See?” he said, “I didn’t hurt my fingers.” Alden watched carefully and was emboldened by her brother’s success.

Next it was time for mixing. Alden, cautious as ever, set  the mixer to 4.

Kato, observing that the numbers went up to 10, immediately cranked that sucker up. Thank goodness the dial didn’t go up to 11.

With the batter done, it was  time to set out the cupcake cups.

And then, time to pour the batter. Alden bravely took the lead this time, with Kato observing.

Kato didn’t observe for long before he realized that this was a job any idiot could do. Plus, there was the question of what to do with the mixing paddle. I mean, that thing should come off, shouldn’t it?

Well, I suppose you’ve got to make do with what you’ve got.

Look at Alden – innocently tending to her pouring, doing as she’s told, while Kato flagrantly disregards the explicit instructions in the box and gets in on the good stuff. What a turkey.

Once the mixing paddle was thoroughly wiped down, there wasn’t much more to do other than watch Alden continue at her work.

Boy, this business can get pretty boring.

Until you realize that there is a whole WORLD of batter to be licked, once you decide that etiquette is a thing of 19th century novellas and Emily Post (who’s ever heard of etiquette, anyway?)

Once the batter was all in, it was time to turn on the oven.

Because, of course, I never remember to preheat the oven, which adds a whole 20 minutes to whatever baking I have to do. I bet the mom on the back of the box never forgets to preheat her oven.

While we were waiting for the oven to preheat, I decided to do something I never do. Clean up a bit. And as I was occupying myself with dishes and sponging chocolate batter off of various surfaces, Kato discovered the butter that was softening on the counter, waiting to go into the frosting.

Turns out, butter is just as delicious as chocolate cake mix, and will do in a pinch when the chocolate cake mix has all gone into the oven.

I took the butter away from him and would have scolded him louder if it hadn’t been for the fact that I distinctly remember sneaking into our pantry and digging into the butter a bit myself as a kid.

I told him we needed to save the butter for the frosting, and he really needed to keep an eye on the cupcakes anyway.

Once the cupcakes were out and cooled, we put the frosting on. The exciting thing about this part of the process was getting to dig in to our amazing stash of sprinkles.

(You will notice, Deborah, how my attempts at no sugar have stanched my consumption of sprinkles. Fie!)

The cupcakes definitely benefitted from some color.

Though I’m not sure that the color made the cupcakes disappear any faster than they did. Alden, wisely, opted to put on a bid before going to town on hers.

Kato, as noted before, doesn’t care much for propriety.

Once token thanks-for-helping-with-the-baking cupcakes were devoured, I returned to cleaning the kitchen, and the kids returned to the work of being kids. After 20 minutes or so of this, I looked around and noticed Alden sitting happily on the couch reading a book. Kato was nowhere to be found. I checked the bedroom. Nope. I checked the studio. No sign. I checked the bathroom, foolishly, since Kato has no inclination of using it anytime soon, and so my hopes were doubly crushed there. Worried, I started calling his name.

I heard some stifled snickering from underneath an end table we have next to our bookshelf.

And there I found Kato. In the absence of a pantry, Kato resorted to the under-the-table trick.

I bet that little angel on the back of the cake box wouldn’t be caught dead with her finger in the butter stick. Ah well. I bet she never has a good laugh, either.