Hello, everyone. And welcome back.
Today’s topic is sharing, but as those of you who have more than one kid know, the concept is hardly cut and dried, even within the walls of a single home.
Let’s review the interpersonal landscape of the barn:
Alden is almost six and old enough to understand the basic logic of sharing. If someone else wants to play with your toy, it’s good to let them have it for a while. Not only is it nice to do so, but they might actually share with you, too. Benevolence and utility in one neat package.
Kato just turned four and gets the benefits of sharing at a core level but can’t always move past that moment of emotional duress that accompanies actually handing your prized belonging to another kid. Or the frustration of wanting what the other kid has and not being willing to wait for that kid to give it up. He has the tools but is not yet qualified to use them in the workplace.
August is barely two and is, frankly, a rather generous kid. When asked nicely, he will usually share, mostly because he seems to enjoy the smiles that result on the other end of the exchange. But when he does not want to share, no amount of persuasion will change his mind. His logic: that’s mine and not yours. Alternately: that’s yours, but I don’t care. I want it.
All this makes sense developmentally, but herein lies the problem. Alden, who tries to be good and rule-following, often gets the raw end of the deal when it comes to a conflict over belongings that need to be sorted out by Robbi or me. We usually intervene when a crisis has already reached the boiling point, which is to say, without a complete picture of the precipitating facts. If August is involved, our interest in getting involved has probably been piqued by the crazily loud and high-pitched pig squeal he has perfected as a means of deterring any challenge to his will.
And the problem is, it usually works. Robbi and I are often so motivated to stop the horrible sound, that we will ask (or demand) that the older kids defer to August’s whim, even if the result is not technically fair.
We may try to reason that “he’s just a baby” or “he doesn’t know any better” or “you’re such a big girl; can’t you let him have his way this once?”
But the truth is, we just want that sound to stop. In which case, aren’t we just playing into his evil plans, thwarting true justice, and letting the squeaky wheel prevail?
The question is this: how do you deal with issues surrounding sharing in your family? And the sliding scale of fairness by age? I’m looking for pointers here, people. And empathy. And anecdotes about the truly horrible sounds (and other tactics) your children unleash to get what they want.
Share your thoughts in the comments below. Together, maybe we can figure this out.
I recently found this article about sharing: http://notjustcute.com/2014/01/13/nine-words-to-end-fights-over-toys/
The upshot is that kids should learn to ask for a turn when the other kid is done, which gives he asking kid a sense of WHEN he’ll get to play with the toy, and the asked kid the assurance that the sharing doesn’t have to happen right NOW, but instead on HIS terms.
I think this is a great idea. The older two sometimes put the idea to use – especially for computer time, when we often set a timer and they happily take turns and hand over the reins when their turn is up.
I think our biggest problem though is managing the different developmental stages of each, and realizing how often Alden gets shafted because she’s the oldest “and knows better.” I just can’t tell if this is a good learning experience (to try to be gracious towards those who aren’t as far along as you are) or if it’s teaching her that screaming like a two-year-old is the most effective way to get what you want.
Sharing is a HUGE issue lately at our house! We’ve had problems with grabbing. To complicate matters, our 2 yr old is more than happy to share, but you must play with the toy the way she says or she will take it back. Under NO circumstances may Minnie Mouse socialize with Phyllis because they are not from the same universe! We also run into the problem of the youngest wanting something our oldest has and trying to take it. Most of the yelling in these situations comes from our oldest, so while she feels affronted by our youngest, I feel affronted by the lost peace. My first reaction is to respond to that rather than what caused it. Afterall, we don’t want her to begin to think that yelling or crying is something that will get her what she wants. On the other hand, our youngest knows what she’s doing and can’t be let to get away with it.
What I usually do is make the “taker” give the toy back. From time to time, I have to threaten to take the toy away from both. Sometimes, one or the other can be convinced to choose something else or wait for a turn. As often as not, there is fighting or yelling as they grapple with who will win the argument and everyone ends up in tears.
All that said, I feel really lucky. For the most part, my kids get along really well. My mom was the oldest and so was I, so I’m really sensitive myself to putting the younger’s needs and wants ahead of the older and my mom has called me out on it a few times. I don’t always know what to do honestly. I think there are times it’s appropriate to make the older child give in to learn generosity, and I think there are times when it isn’t to help the younger learn restraint. I guess for me it just depends on what’s at stake in the moment and what they’ll learn from compromising at that time.
Long time listener, first time caller here.
We have a newly minted two year old and a nine month old, so sharing is a big issue on our horizon. Our two rules for right now are that when our two year old wants to play with something that her brother has, she has to bring him something in exchange and that if he fusses when she takes whatever it is, she has to give it back to him. The exchange thing works for now, but it won’t be much longer that our little guy thinks an old Christmas bow is an equitable swap for a talking Thomas flashlight. And the noises. Oh, the noises. I know you’re supposed to say “I can’t hear you when you whine.”, but sometimes it gets to the point of ANYTHING to stop the squealing.
I’m sure we’ll be using some of the tips you both shared in the near future!
Hey Stewart,
Thanks for raising your hand, and please don’t be a stranger. I like the exchange idea and am going to try it. Right now, perhaps, as there is a juvenile domestic dispute over personal property erupting as I type this message. As for the noises, we have a policy that crying, screaming, whining, etc. is not allowed in whatever room the adults are in. We offer that they are welcome to continue producing said noises in the hallway. Amazingly, the prospect of crying, screaming, whining, etc. is somewhat less thrilling out there.
Matthew
Sorry for being late to the game, but to combat fighting over toys in our household, we have something called “The Sunday Box” – which actually isn’t a box, it’s a big basket on top of our stacked washer/dryer. When the kids fight over a toy, we calmly take it away and put it in The Sunday Box, where it stays until Sunday, when they can ask for the toy back. The funny thing is, no matter how precious the toy seemed at the time, once it’s out of sight, the kids never remember to ask for it back. Every once in a blue moon, we take the basket down and put the toys back in circulation. Right now, The Sunday Box contains a power ranger, two matchbox cars, a box of pokemon cards, and a Captain Hook sword from a halloween costume that has spent the better part of three years in The Sunday Box. It lasts all of about three minutes before it ends up back in the box. If a particular toy belongs to one of our kids and they don’t want to share it, they are allowed to make the choice not to share it – but they need to go somewhere to play with it by themselves. It’s not nice to sit in the middle of the living room and play with it in front of others that aren’t allowed to touch it. That’s just mean. The natural consequence of not wanting to share, however, is that they don’t get to play with their sibling or friends. As for whining, we have a family rule that we execute on 100% of the time: “If you whine, you don’t get what you want.” Sometimes, I back it up with a heart-felt rendition of the Rolling Stone’s “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” Downside to this tactic: My kids officially hate the Rolling Stones.
Hey Eunice. Thanks for chiming in. I think the Sunday Box is a terrific idea, and I’m going to institute ours this very morning when the kids get up. I also love the idea that although you don’t have to share your own stuff but that refusing to do so results in self-imposed isolation. You are a sage of a mother, proving yet again that I wish you’d adopt me. If I were in your family, I would be waking to lovely California weather instead of suffering through yet another snowy morning here in Chestertown. The schools are closed, so we’re going to have plenty of opportunities to test your new sharing strategies today.
64 degrees and sunny today. You should definitely move to California. Parenting is just easier when your kids can run around outside all year round. 😉
By the way, I forgot to mention, The Sunday Box is also great for getting kids to clean up their toys. Anything left out at the end of the day gets put in The Sunday Box. No yelling, no reminders, no big scene. They just lose the toy until Sunday.
Eunice: You are a mad genius, and clearly better equipped to raise my children than are Robbi and I. How about we send them to California and we stay here? They can run around outside all year long and we can get some rest. And if they misbehave, just put them in the Sunday box. You shouldn’t have to actually care for them for more than 15 minutes a week.
I love that Sunday Box concept. We may have to add that to our household repertoire. Eunice, do you charge licensing fees for the use of your intellectual property? 🙂
We’ve adopted a sharing strategy from our boys’ daycare. It’s called “Ding Dong”, and it goes something like this:
1. Child A has a toy.
2. Child B wants the toy.
3. Child B (politely) asks child A to share the toy.
4. If Child A shares it, then all is well.
5. If Child A declines the suggested sharing, then Child B requests “Ding Dong” from the nearest adult.
6. A two-minute countdown is started.
7. Child A often shares the toy before two minutes is up because he can do so on his own terms, appearing magnanimous and gaining karma.
8. If two minutes expires, then the adult steps in to facilitate the sharing of the toy, and Child A does not get any karma.
It’s not too different from some of the other approaches described previously, but it occasionally gives the parent the opportunity to say “DING DONG” really loudly, which can’t help but brighten your day.